Thursday, October 30, 2014

Do You Really Know Me?

While I was laying in bed one night, I started thinking about stuff.

I love reading blogs - only those that show the blogger's personality and thoughts.
It's like you are able to tell what they love and what they don't; rather than having a page full of sponsored items and shallow liking towards.. well.. shallow stuff.

Then, I thought about myself.
Yeah. People could be thinking I'm brainlessly shallow as well.

I always think that most of the photos I take are soulless.
I still can't identify the reason behind... (if you think they aren't soulless, please tell me, just in case it's only in my head)

Even if such, based on my soulless photos, people still think they know me.
I don't think you will ever truly know anyone, even through pictures, blogs, instagram, until you talk to the person. And even that will only give you bout 1% of what the person is really like.

Human beings are selective and judgmental. We choose the side of us we want to show, and who we want to show ourselves to. Similarly, we choose what we want to see on people.

I know I behave differently, with different people.
I wasn't like that back then, as far as I can remember.
I was more genuine, more real, more naive, more positive about the future.
I was happy being myself, and proud of being who I really was.
I wrote everything on my blog, my raw thoughts, my ideas, my feelings; until I "grow up" for the better or worse, I realize that I felt uncomfortable with people knowing too much about me.
Maybe it's because everyone is so well connected now, with only a click; things can really go cray in a minute.

That is why I'm closing it off bit by bit; because back then people don't have that many sources to "know" people -  it might not be real, but they think they know.

And these are what makes people (me, at least), as a person, to be more careful, because things that you portray on social media, tend to reflect and affect you, in real life.
There are benefits, definitely, but also an unpredictable amount of downsides.

The whole reason I started blogging about 9 years ago is because I know my memory for certain things are short termed, and I would want somewhere I can go back and read about myself maybe 20 years down the road.
But now I realize that even if I read the old blog posts that I wrote in the recent 1 year, all I will be seeing are just pictures and nothing else.

When I started working, I realized that the people at work, they know nothing about me (but they do think they know a lot). Nothing other than what I tell them, and what I post online. My opinion is that working adults tend to be more judgmental than school mates.
Then it gets funny because people's perception and description of you vary so much.
Sometimes, after work, all I can think of is going home, going back to people who really know and accept me for who I am.

And I know that I can't be bothered, I should never, the person who I'm really accountable for is myself. I kept telling myself that being happy is the most important thing, and it really is. But there is a fine line there, when I stop caring about other people and what they think, I become overly self-centered.

When we were little, in school, being teenagers, we think that life is going to turn out what we expect it to be. There was hope. As if when you score well in your studies, your life will be easy, you will have a stable income, a husband who loves you, and a happy family.

Now, it's starting to sink in that, for the rest of my life, I will be working, earning money, to earn to live to sustain. That's really a depressing goal, to be honest.
I can't even believe that I have been working for more than a year now.
I have more responsibilities now - it's not that I'm afraid of them.
But just, what if, what if this is what is going to be for the rest of my life.
And I'm only 23. lol.

I don't have a conclusion for this post. It's something worth thinking about, and what I think about a lot nowadays.

Could it be that I have be single for too long? Hahaha
I think life is more livable if there is a partner. But then again, this might be just like the little hope we all had when we were in school. Who knows?

Nevertheless, if you are my prince, and you are reading this right now, please do save me from my soulless life.
And my step one for now is, to be more like myself, and happy about being myself, so I wouldn't be lost between who I am and who I'm trying so hard to be.


Anonymous said...

Hello, I stranded on your blog cause im looking for a model and sorry for stalking XD i got interested on what you wrote haha cause im also a photographer.

You got some wrong points about your photo's they're not souless but you just don't appreciate the way it is. I know it is candid but i'll tell you that if you photograph them on natural state (not candid) you'll definitely find more soul to it. Try taking pictures of someone not noticing you and you'll see something that is different from candid.

Also, Photography depicts who you are not what the photograph is you should try to take pictures to know who you are not take them for them.

Pictures are more powerful than what you think and i know people can be judgemental but if you depict who you are on pictures then there's nothing to be judged from the start since it is who you are.

I say try loving photography for awhile. I'll ask you one question does photography relieves you from sadness?

Cause if yes then you do love it!

I can teach you some or two if you want but im very sorry for posting XD

Anonymous said...

ahoy! no, i don't think i know you just because you have a blog. it's just a blog! right? what comes through is you're genuine and a nice person. forget other people. this is your home on the web and you'll do as you please (as you have in this post.) thanks for sharing your voice. it's comforting to know not everyone out here is completely bonkers lol xo always your reader, d.

Chia Yi Lian said...

Never did I expect that I will get comments on this post.
To both of you posters, I'm extremely grateful for your kind words.

I was in a rough spot at that time and I'm glad I penned all these thoughts out. I'm definitely happier now! Trying to live my life every single day! :)